Two Modes: Being vs. Doing - Part 1
There are two modes of existing: Being and Doing. Both are essential. What’s important is that you learn to keep these two operating systems in balance.
Though many of us like to think of ourselves as individuals, we don’t develop in a vacuum. The truth is that human beings emerge from and operate in networks of relationships. We’re social animals.
On multiple levels, culture conditions the way we think and behave; large forces shape our moral intuitions and our highest aspirations.
Growing up in a high achieving environment in the United States, I had no knowledge of any sort of contemplative practices meditation and yoga that would have cultivated a sense of learning to rest in the present moment. Even if someone had shown me I’m sure it wouldn’t have interested me since it wasn’t a part of the larger culture. Plus, I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8, so I wasn’t exactly the type of person who was primed for contemplation by nature, to put it mildly.
As I moved from university to Wall Street to graduate school to another demanding career path in DC, I was constantly in overdrive. Notably, this wasn’t only the way that I worked, it was also the way that I spent my leisure time. This is true for many of my high achieving friends in the US: what little free time they have is often scheduled with more activities.
Of course, there is a positive side to this Doing operating mode: people are often creating very valuable services and products that add a lot of value to other people’s lives. Creativity is an essential part of being human; to create is to produce meaning for oneself. They’re busy taking care of one loved ones, or spending time with friends.
At its best, Doing is the operating mode in which humans create and connect.
Creativity and relationship are essential to a happy life; it’s what we are meant to do as humans and the positive aspect of Doing speaks to these qualities, such as when we manifest our purpose in the world, or spend time with loved ones.
The shadow side of Doing is when we distract ourselves with our busyness as a way to mask our pain, from feeling the emotions that we don’t want to feel. Do you know how to be with your sadness, without being swept away by it? Do you know how to be with happiness without getting overrun by the accompanying stimulation?
Do you know how to be with happiness without getting overrun by the accompanying stimulation?
Most people don’t. So they default to Doing so that they can hide behind their busyness. This keeps them stuck psychologically and from healing spiritually. The ego clings to old layers of identity and limiting beliefs, rather than confront what they know deep down is holding them back from living the life that they aspire to live.
At 29, I finally crashed and burned. I was in a very bad place with respect to my mental and physical health. Unsure of what I wanted to do next, I moved to Thailand to explore a long held interest I had harbored in teaching. Thai culture is pretty much the opposite of American culture in some fundamental respects: if Americans are overwhelmingly locked into Doing mode, Thais are all about Being. Americans are very much orientated towards the future: “what’s next?” Thais are much more interested in what’s happening here and now. The influence of Buddhism on Thailand is one important contributing factor to this worldview.
A decade into living in Thailand I’m still noticing the ways in which my cultural conditioning manifest. When someone asks me “how was my day?” I’m very inclined to frame a good day as one that was productive. The Protestant Work Ethic has a pervasive impact on American culture, regardless of whether or not one is religious or not. Again, creativity is an important part of a meaningful life. So what’s wrong with being productive?
Nothing. All of us want to create, to connect and to add value.
But when we’re only stuck in this mode of Doing things, when we don’t know how to relax, how to be still, then it’s a problem.
Living in Thailand has been extremely frustrating at times precisely because it’s really the opposite of my own cultural conditioning and my type A personality, but it’s also for this reason that living in this wonderful country has been such a rich opportunity for personal growth.
But it’s been a different kind of personal growth: not the kind of growth that comes from acquiring something else, but from a kind of letting go. Of course, I have learned new perspectives that have challenged, expanded and shifted my own way of viewing things. That’s the best way that I can use language to point towards the felt sense of what I’ve learned from living in Thailand: it’s a kind of surrender, a sense of learning to settle into what’s happening here and now, and really Being ok with just this.
It was only years later after sitting longer meditation retreats and studying Buddhism in more depth, that I came to appreciate how much of The Dharma I had absorbed just from living in Thailand. Practicing presence, patience and kindness are qualities that you see embodied in day to day life throughout Thailand. I learn important lessons from Thai people all the time about The Dharma, even though I would guess that every few of them have a formal meditation practice or study Buddhist teachings in their own time. Their culture has conditioned them to BE this way.
Being is when we let go and can simply be present with whatever is happening. It’s when we can simply be present with this breath, or this sip of tea, or this conversation. This moment. Just this, without believing our thoughts about what’s missing or wrong or happening elsewhere. No comparing this moment to another moment. No judging and evaluating. Just resting in this moment, in the recognition that this moment, here and now, is truly all that there is.
Next time you find yourself encounter feelings of restlessness, desire, or any other form of dissatisfaction, ask yourself the question: “What is it that I’m seeking that isn’t already here and now?”
Don’t answer the question with another thought. Just allow it to drop down into your body and ripplie out, like throwing a stone into a pond. Sit quietly with this question for a few minutes. Perhaps you just want to rest in the quiet that emerges, or if you notice many thoughts come up it can be skillful to journal briefly.
In my next post, I’ll talk more about the trade offs between Doing and Being and how we can employ contemplative practices, including meditation, to bring more balance into our lives.